I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
