she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
