I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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