I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I CAN MOONWALK!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Randomize
