we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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