I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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