maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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