Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
