Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
