You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
