i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
