Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize