Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
