so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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