i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
