I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
