does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize