You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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