I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
