Who wears a wallet chain?!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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