my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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