walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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