I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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