It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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