when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
