if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
