I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
