I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
