So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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