Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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