I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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