If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
