he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
