Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
