dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
