I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
