Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
