Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
they're like a gay fantastic four
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize