Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
