Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
two words: eviction party
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
