Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
