Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's blow job season.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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