Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
