She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize