We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
