I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Panties = found
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
