It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
