I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
