god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize