my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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