I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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