is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
