I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I love you.
Bad choice
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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