chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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