come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
