I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
