dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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